Westward Wanderings

I recently completed a long drive from Franconia, NH to Vail, Colorado. It is a long way, about 2000 miles. Drives like these are only somewhat practical in the US, due to our extensive and usually well-maintained system of freeways, as well as outrageously cheap gas (compared to the rest of the developed world). If you have never done this drive before, let me tell you that the US is an unbelievably vast and geographically diverse country. Traveling across the country by plane deceives you into thinking its just a hop skip and a jump from one end to the other. It is not! Driving out of New England is rather exciting due to the mountain valleys you wind through and the exhilaration of blasting through hordes of traffic as you near New York City. East coast driving, especially near the coast, is a mess of freeways and highways that often seem hopelessly complicated and redundant. Near big cities where freeways come together one has to navigate towering webs of interchanges that make the simple cloverleaf seem like the most basic thing in the world. The complicatedness is likely due to when the east coast was developed, which was much earlier, several hundred years in some cases, than many parts of the west. Trying to convert a transportation network from horse and buggy to one that can accommodate automobiles must have been like shoving 10 pounds of fecal matter into a 5 pound bag.

My first stop was near Philadelphia, PA, where I visited my grandparents. The visit was fun but for one issue. The amount of traveling advice, maps and food supplies given by family members has an exponential relationship to the particular generation of relatives giving said advice, maps and supplies. My parents just wanted to know that my car was functioning properly, that I knew the general direction I was traveling, and that I didn't overtax myself. My grandparents, on the other hand, gave me a bag full of maps of each state I was passing through, as well as a general atlas of the US, Canada and Mexico (just in case I stray a thousand miles north or south). We then proceeded to go over every detail of the route no less than four times, coming up with a more complicated set of directions each time. I did finally come with the route to which I wanted, and left with a large box and a large bag of rations which I am still, a week later, trying to finish. I did appreciate all the help, but I tend to prefer going on adventures where there isn't a whole lot of planning, with the hope that random, exciting, but not life-threatening events take place. Regardless, I did find my way, and ate well the entire journey.

I left Philadelphia two days later and started blasting across the country. Pennsylvania is quite boring until you reach the western side where you start to notice that the economic well-being of the east coast does not always penetrate to the interior. Think about trickle down economic theory that is often favored by the loony Republicans; it really is a trickle. There are some regions in western PA and beyond that have never seen too much money, which is fleetingly obvious as you race along the freeway, usually at such a speed where its hard to take in the surroundings. I did, quite accidentally, take a slight detour in northern West Virginia. The freeway signs were misleading and I suddenly found myself in the middle of a decrepit small town, where the only thing it seemed to have going for it was a single traffic light that blinked properly. Losing my morale quickly, I turned around and got back on the freeway, but most people never see this place because there is almost no reason to stop there.

After the mountainous region of northern West Virginia the scenic distractions from the monotony of the freeway promptly ceased. Entering Ohio you begin to realize just how straight you will be driving for the next 24 hours or so. Realizing this, I picked up the pace and blasted through Columbus, Dayton and Indianapolis in quick succession. Driving through the cities was quite exciting though, because tons of traffic usually converges at cities including massive semi trailers which look like they will eat you if you are unfortunate enough not to pass them as soon as you are able. I spent the night in a motel just past Indianapolis.

The next day I arrived in St. Louis about mid morning. I stopped here for a while in order to see the Arch. This was quite exciting but I did have to become a standard tourist for a while. The welcome center at the arch was packed with crazy school children which always seem to occupy tourist sites such as these. I took the elevator up to the top, which consists of a string of seven capsules which are winched to the top. The view was just what you might expect. Your are high above the city, and you can see everything. Not terribly exciting...but the hordes of overweight Americans and screaming school children often find it so. I don't mean to diminish the importance of the Arch, but not much can beat the top of a mountain in the middle of a wilderness.

I left St. Louis about midday and started across Missouri. Missouri doesn't have much going for it. I could describe, in great detail, the vastness of the farms and plains of this fine state, but I feel that you might fall asleep before coming to end of my narrative. With that said, we move on to Kansas.

Kansas City is the entrance to the state itself, if you drive on I-70. If you have not yet bothered to look at a map of Kansas/Missouri (and there is no good reason why you should if you don't actually have to live there) then I must point out that the "happening" part of Kansas City is in Missouri, not Kansas. I cannot explain this, it makes no sense. There is a Kansas City in Kansas, just across the river, but its not nearly as built up as the other side. I did not stop here, however, but proceeded to cross the immense state that is Kansas. I also stopped turning the steering wheel at this point, owing to the fact that I-70 is exceedingly straight until you get to Denver. If Kansas were a word, it would be "boring". It is a state of farms, as far as the eye can see (which, in case you were wondering, is about 15 miles on a flat sea). The terrain, however, is not as flat as you might imagine. It is instead an endless sea of rolling, identical hills. There are very few cities or towns, but numerous gas stations, truck stops and budget motels that cluster at almost every freeway exit. Otherwise, all you see are perfectly straight highways going north or south into the oblivion that is the Kansas countryside.

As I was driving the vastness of Kansas I was wondering how I would capture the culture of the plains states in writing. What I decided to do was describe the culture only from what I could see from the freeway and hear on the radio. This is not, I should mention, an academically sound thing to do, but it should prove interesting. Therefore, lets begin. Most man-made features are very plain, with little embellishment. People here really like to construct roads that are as straight as possible. Bigger is better. If you can make whatever you own seem bigger than it was originally, then there is absolutely no logical reason why you shouldn't do so. There is a great need to stop at adult superstores at nearly every freeway exit. The people here must have a constant need for the latest "toy" or illustrated publication. God and/or Jesus (aka Messiah, Yahweh, the Savior, the Lord) is big here. These people must need religion, lest they go insane from the nearly unchanging scenery. If you are homosexual, your parents must not have given you the proper balance of masculine and feminine experiences. The liberal tree-hugging conspiratorial idea that you could actually just be born with a natural disposition to be attracted to the same sex is just absurd, and if you believe it, you must hate God, and therefore freedom. There is absolutely nothing beyond what you can see from the freeway, unless you see a sign for "World's biggest prairie dog!!!! 8000 pounds!!! Must see to believe!!! Exit Now!!" or "Foot High Pies!!". The concept of "fun for the whole family" is usually signaled by several big billboards advertising two different adult superstores and a family dining establishment in the same town. If the town also has a gas station, that is all that is required for a full service pit stop. Country and western songs also tell you that men will cheat on women and women will cheat on men, but Bobby-Sue will set you true. Also, nothing is more important than for men to be as masculine as possible, and women just need an honest man to be happy, but not much more. Country men are also vastly superior to city boys because they can grow their own groceries and have a truck and dawg to boot. If their dawg is run over by their truck, however, the world comes to an end.

So that is the cultural interpretation. I apologize to anyone from the mid-west. I have no doubt that you are all amazing people and the countryside is an infinitely fascinating place. I am not quite done with my journey yet, however. Kansas took about 10 hours to get across, and eastern Colorado proved equally as boring, but the speed limit was raised to 75. After Denver I proceeded into the mountains along I-70, which is exhilarating, to say the least. After two days of flat driving the freeway starts to climb quite quickly. The air is also much thinner, so your car must work harder to climb through the passes. It also started to blizzard in this area, which was also quite a contrast and kept me very alert. Eventually I climbed to the top of Vail Pass, which is about 10500 feet and started my descent towards Vail and the town of Minturn, where I am currently staying with my teammate, Ralph. Beyond this will require another post later on, so I will stop for now. My fingers have nearly fallen off.